How's Kikay

 It's been two years now.  Grandma lives with us now 24/7 and so does her Alzheimer's Disease. It's not an easy task living with her. I say task, because it takes a lot of work and understanding. I have mixed feelings about it. I'm sad for her, sad for us and scared at the same time. And those feelings they show up as something else - I get angry most often.  Sometimes she remembers that uncle, her son, has passed away. But other times she's confused - she'd say he had died and then say that she's waiting for him to come home after work.  She makes a lot of conflicting statements and these most often irritate and annoy the hell out of me. And again, I get mad. I think my Mom gets scared of me when I get angry. I get scared of me.  I find myself irritated by the smallest of things - grandma related or not. I would shout because I need to release the anger. But the problem is the anger does not go away even if you shout it out. I only get angrier.  Then I cry...

I know I've said some bad things about my Uncle. I know. How cliche. I want to make a tribute but I don't know him that well to make this one. My Uncle died just 5 days ago. It all happened so fast like a blur.  I'm not going into details but let me tell you a bit of backstory. Last month in the 3rd week of July, he was arrested and incarcerated. The arrest went down at their home - Grandma's house.  There was a scuffle, shouts were heard and we were too late witness -  they had him quickly. Immediately after that, Grandma was inconsolable. We were informed that she had a small part in the scuffle and was trying to get the police from arresting her son. All throughout the next day, she was crying and  was calling out to Uncle. Her tantrums were childlike. Owing to her forgetfulness, the tears were shed for the day and was forgotten the next. And to put it simply, she forgot the whole arrest ever happened. Now after that, she was asking for Uncle. Where is he? Why isn...

I have not done anything remotely related to my profession for the last 4 months of quarantine. And I feel my skills slipping away. Maybe I should start practicing again - despite having no prompt or proposals. I never understood myself when I decided to go for architecture as a major in university.  I took the entrance exams, I put the two courses I was confident I would pass on: Architecture and Civil Engineering. Civil engineering because my Mom was one and if she could do it, why won't I? Architecture because I took up Design Technology in science high school. And they say the next thing after that is take up something like architecture. 2 of my best friends were going for it, why won't I? So I pass the entrance exams and was allowed on the Architecture program. The drawing parts were easy. I've done most of the drawing exercises in high school.  Rendering stuff or coloring was a bit on the hard part.  Cliche college student problems - flunking higher math, skipping c...

My grandma used to be a courageous woman.  She used to be someone you would be afraid to annoy, or disappoint, or argue with. She had quite a temper when  she had been given a grievance. She used to yell at the naughty neighborhood kids who would pluck fruits from her trees. She used to threaten us kids  when we misbehave, and she kept her word. She used to exude a haughty aura that might make anyone stop and listen when she speaks. She used to remember if someone borrowed money, and made sure she ask them for it every other day. She used to climb her trees,  hack away at her garden and do all the labor. She used to go to the roof, mend things if any and not ask anyone else, cause as per her words, she can do it by herself. She used to usher us home when we try to sleep over, during our teens, and tells us she doesn't need anyone. But this are all long past gone. As years went by, she became a brittle old woman in her eighties - penguin-walking to and fro, needing a ...

It's been 110 days since I had work. It's been 110 days since I've had my regular income. We had subsidies but my bills were in need of greater amount. I've been keeping myself busy (entertained) by everything except anything that would generate income. A bit of transcription, here and there. But mostly slacking off, feeding off of the internet, eating meals, buying groceries - all paid by my mother, of course. My mother is an angel. I don't deserve her, really. And neither does she deserve me.  I'm useless crap now. I've been bullying myself for the last 3 months plus. Every time my head is blank, thoughts of dying always presents itself. So I slack off more, watch videos, immerse in sketching, listen to music... but then reality hits again,  a collector calls, cuts the feed, semi-threatening  to pay balances. Balances I can't afford right now,  because I'm employed with no pay. My last subsidy I've portioned to pay minimum. Of course that didn...

I believe my Uncle is taking advantage of our Grandma's illness. Grandma is nearing 90 and has Alzheimer's.  You know, she says one thing, does one thing and then forgets.  Now, she has pension she receives as benefit  from her late husband, Grandpa. My Uncle may seem harmless but as all things,  don't let appearances fool you. He has not seen his wife for a decade and a half,  he keeps a woman or two on the side.  His children has not trusted him long before the drug case  and jail time, they hardly have any respect left. At times, I pity him when he tries to do something good, but his reputation precedes him and eventually does not live up  to what good he wanted to do. I feel he is trying his best to take care of Grandma  while he lives with her. But, as my occasional visits to their house gives out a lot of evidence that his best is not the best he can actually do. Grandma kept her house clean, but these days with Uncle around every thing...

Compared to my Mom, I'm a loser. No, scratch that, compared to anyone, I'm a loser. Right now, without a paying job, living with my Mom in the middle of a crisis, no source of income, no monetary contribution. Not even a donation to those who need it. All I can think about is myself, and I feel awful. I'm so unreliable. When my Mom was my age, she already has 3 kids, juggling family life and working as a university professor teaching 40 or 50 students a day. My friend graduated post grad and in another month taking a board exam to be a broker when she's already a full time architect with a family. How do they manage all of it? Help me, I feel small.