Fuel

It's been 110 days since I had work.

It's been 110 days since I've had my regular income.

We had subsidies but my bills were in need of greater amount.

I've been keeping myself busy (entertained) by everything

except anything that would generate income.

A bit of transcription, here and there.

But mostly slacking off, feeding off of the internet,

eating meals, buying groceries - all paid by my mother, of course.

My mother is an angel. I don't deserve her, really.

And neither does she deserve me. 

I'm useless crap now.

I've been bullying myself for the last 3 months plus.

Every time my head is blank,

thoughts of dying always presents itself.

So I slack off more, watch videos, immerse in sketching,

listen to music... but then reality hits again, 

a collector calls, cuts the feed, semi-threatening 

to pay balances.

Balances I can't afford right now, 

because I'm employed with no pay.

My last subsidy I've portioned to pay minimum.

Of course that didn't cut anything.

It only made interest charges,

And things like this they always get in my head.

I'm useless crap.