Fuming

 It's been two years now. 

Grandma lives with us now 24/7 and so does her Alzheimer's Disease.

It's not an easy task living with her. I say task, because it takes a lot of work and understanding.

I have mixed feelings about it. I'm sad for her, sad for us and scared at the same time. And those feelings they show up as something else - I get angry most often. 

Sometimes she remembers that uncle, her son, has passed away. But other times she's confused - she'd say he had died and then say that she's waiting for him to come home after work. 

She makes a lot of conflicting statements and these most often irritate and annoy the hell out of me. And again, I get mad.

I think my Mom gets scared of me when I get angry. I get scared of me. 

I find myself irritated by the smallest of things - grandma related or not. I would shout because I need to release the anger.

But the problem is the anger does not go away even if you shout it out. I only get angrier. 

Then I cry myself to sleep thinking about all the outbursts I had within the day.

There was a certain number of months that I was so down from all this anger I forgot to take care of myself. 

Is it really Grandma causing all these anger in me? Or is it just me?

Grandma is pushing 90 in another 6 months. We have a long way to go.