How's Kikay

 A close high school friend reached out earlier to me asking about my availability this coming Saturday. Another friend has been asking for a get-together.  I don't want to go. So I made up an excuse that my family is going somewhere and am not sure if I can make it. I told my Mom about it as soon as I sent the message. She said I should go. I said I don't want to. She asked why not. I said I don't have a budget for a get-together. She said she will give me a thousand pesos, would it suffice. I don't want her money, I just don't want to go. We dropped the issue and moved on to our shared interest of the K-drama world. As soon as I read that it was a sort of reunion, my mind was set on not attending. Yes, they are beloved friends who I see occasionally every other year. Or every two years or maybe three. I just do not have the energy to go through the sorts. I already feel drained having to sit and eat and listen and socialize. What if I missed out and maybe enjoyed ...

 Have you been compared to one or both of your parents? Lately, my Mom has been comparing me with my Dad, citing how similar we are or that I can be his twin. There should be no qualms about this. After all, I am my father's daughter, we share DNA. My only caveat is I don't like being compared to him. Maybe a decade ago, I would be proud. He was a responsible father and a very good provider. But after 2014 I loathed being compared to him. Especially if the comparison comes from my Mother.  2014 was a very traumatic time in our family - my father had an affair with his high school sweetheart, has left home and has been living with her for the last decade or so. My Dad and I share the same temperament. Our zodiac sign is Sagittarius with our birthdays with just 10 days in between. If that says anything.  His wrongdoing offended me. It hurt when I witnessed my Mom cry over him. 30 years down the drain. The first five years there was obvious distaste when meeting with Dad. Mo...

 My 5 year old nephew is sick. What is sad is his dad waited until he got worse before they decided to get a check-up. My nephew had pneumonia before. Why didn't they think that he'll easily get worse as soon as he gets infected by others? 

 I know it's my fault. It just irritates me. Hearing her slippers shuffle along the marble floor, it triggers something in me, "Here we go again."  I just feel so fucking tired.  When it's night time and she's supposed to be sleeping, and suddenly here she is stumbling in the semi-darkness of the living room looking for no one in particular. And it's like a detonator, my annoyance is automatic and you can hear it in my voice when I asked her angrily, "NANAY, ANONG KAILANGAN MO?!" Of course she's looking for Mom, always looking for Mom.  The fuck. They sleep in the same room. Why the fuck she starts looking elsewhere when Mom is already there?! Ah, yes. Her brain. Alzheimer's Disease. She's 90 years old.  Why she got to get up in the middle of the night and annoy the fuck out of me?! I was almost pushing her with my whole body, "GABI NA PO, TUTULOG PA PO KAYO. ANG MOMMY PO NASA KWARTO NA KANINA PA, BWISET KA." The bad words just ...

 My sister threw a truth bomb at me. It was unexpected - and that way it's blast was larger and I felt it more. "Eh bakit? Dito ba nakakaipon ka?" I was dumbfounded, I didn't know what to reply. It was a reality check and I was silent after it. But the silence was so loud, the ringing in my ears started and every relative thought and memory came flooding in like a tsunami. I was going to cry. Yes, I don't have stable job. I'm currently unemployed and not earning at the moment. Yes, I do not make the best decisions in life. I eat my feelings away. I ate 2 big bag of chips, one after the other while drinking iced cola. I'm really not sorry that I ate both of them. Yes, I can't fit in the car seat with the current seat belt. I'm huge. Too huge. I'm 145 kg this year. Which is sad. You'd think I'd lose weight because of the pandemic.  But thank you for shattering the glass dome that was my comfort zone.  I've been in here for the longest...

 I was just crying. For the nth time, I was yelling at Grandma. I do not know how to hold my temper anymore. As soon as I get an irk, it bursts forth like a bullet from a gun, and with it my mouth spurts out the words you would wince upon hearing. Only after I have yelled does it dawn on me what I had done. And that there was no getting back those moments. The anger was on and then it was not. And then realization sets in on how wrong I was to behave like that towards Grandma who has done nothing wrong save for being an Alzheimer's patient.  I was the one in the right mind, why didn't I become the bigger person? I should have taken care of her instead of maligning her. I should have taken care how I reacted. I should have reacted more gracefully than the bumbling, ingrate fool that I had become. I can't imagine how Grandma felt while I was yelling at her. She must have been so confused and lonely.  She won't know how sorry I am, though. Because I know in the coming days...

 It's been two years now.  Grandma lives with us now 24/7 and so does her Alzheimer's Disease. It's not an easy task living with her. I say task, because it takes a lot of work and understanding. I have mixed feelings about it. I'm sad for her, sad for us and scared at the same time. And those feelings they show up as something else - I get angry most often.  Sometimes she remembers that uncle, her son, has passed away. But other times she's confused - she'd say he had died and then say that she's waiting for him to come home after work.  She makes a lot of conflicting statements and these most often irritate and annoy the hell out of me. And again, I get mad. I think my Mom gets scared of me when I get angry. I get scared of me.  I find myself irritated by the smallest of things - grandma related or not. I would shout because I need to release the anger. But the problem is the anger does not go away even if you shout it out. I only get angrier.  Then I cry...