Stop the Anger

 I know it's my fault.

It just irritates me. Hearing her slippers shuffle along the marble floor, it triggers something in me, "Here we go again." 

I just feel so fucking tired. 

When it's night time and she's supposed to be sleeping, and suddenly here she is stumbling in the semi-darkness of the living room looking for no one in particular.

And it's like a detonator, my annoyance is automatic and you can hear it in my voice when I asked her angrily, "NANAY, ANONG KAILANGAN MO?!"

Of course she's looking for Mom, always looking for Mom. 

The fuck. They sleep in the same room. Why the fuck she starts looking elsewhere when Mom is already there?!

Ah, yes. Her brain. Alzheimer's Disease. She's 90 years old. 

Why she got to get up in the middle of the night and annoy the fuck out of me?!

I was almost pushing her with my whole body, "GABI NA PO, TUTULOG PA PO KAYO. ANG MOMMY PO NASA KWARTO NA KANINA PA, BWISET KA."

The bad words just rolls out of me. Like I was born rude. So long Most Respectful student of my kindergarten years. 

And my next words are all threats, "SARAP NYO SAMPALIN GA, BAKIT GA KAYO NABANGON NG ALANGANG ORAS? KAKAINIS KA NA"

"ITUTUMBA KITA KAPAG HINDI KAYO HUMIGA NGAYON"

"PUTANGINA KA HUWAG KANG MANGGISING NG IBA. SARAP NYO TALAGA SAMPALIN."

And Lola is always on the verge of tears, I mean, who wouldn't be upset from hearing all those threats? 

"Huwag naman maawa ka naman sa akin. Matanda na ako."

And her whining irritates me more.

"MAAWA DIN KAYO SA AMIN, HINDI NA KAMI MAKATULOG DAHIL NINYO!"

I pulled on her clothes to make her lie down in bed. Forcefully. And Lola cried out that it hurts and the anger starts to boil over. 

"KAYO'Y MATULOG NA, BWISIT NA YAAN!"

Went out as soon as she lied down but not until asking her if she wants to turn on the fan because it felt hot in the room. 

Is this what they call a love-hate relationship? I honestly don't know how I feel about Lola anymore. This disease has totally exposed my (I think) true colors - that I'm a loser who talks down at her Lola and gives her hell when she obviously doesn't deserve it because of the disease. At times I feel I treat her inhumanely but that would be exaggerating. I want her comfy and well fed. But she does things out of my control and it annoys the hell out of me. She forgets. She doesn't know. She's a fucking baby. Do you see the way I am writing this now? I feel guilty after treating her badly - but why do I keep doing it?! WHY? What 's wrong with me?!