Singularity

 A close high school friend reached out earlier to me asking about my availability this coming Saturday. Another friend has been asking for a get-together. 

I don't want to go. So I made up an excuse that my family is going somewhere and am not sure if I can make it.

I told my Mom about it as soon as I sent the message. She said I should go. I said I don't want to. She asked why not. I said I don't have a budget for a get-together. She said she will give me a thousand pesos, would it suffice. I don't want her money, I just don't want to go. We dropped the issue and moved on to our shared interest of the K-drama world.

As soon as I read that it was a sort of reunion, my mind was set on not attending. Yes, they are beloved friends who I see occasionally every other year. Or every two years or maybe three. I just do not have the energy to go through the sorts. I already feel drained having to sit and eat and listen and socialize. What if I missed out and maybe enjoyed my time if I go? 

I did not want to answer why I'm still a freelancer who do not have projects when the pandemic has been over for years now. I did not want to answer why I still cannot lose weight. I did not want to answer why I am still single. Yes, most of my high school friends are married. I did not want to answer to the humiliation after I cannot answer all those questions. And then finally smile and wave through the shame and embarrassment when it's all over and we get to go home.