Somewhere I Belong

 My sister threw a truth bomb at me.
It was unexpected - and that way it's blast was larger and I felt it more.

"Eh bakit? Dito ba nakakaipon ka?"

I was dumbfounded, I didn't know what to reply. It was a reality check and I was silent after it.

But the silence was so loud, the ringing in my ears started and every relative thought and memory came flooding in like a tsunami. I was going to cry.

Yes, I don't have stable job. I'm currently unemployed and not earning at the moment.

Yes, I do not make the best decisions in life. I eat my feelings away. I ate 2 big bag of chips, one after the other while drinking iced cola. I'm really not sorry that I ate both of them.

Yes, I can't fit in the car seat with the current seat belt. I'm huge. Too huge. I'm 145 kg this year. Which is sad. You'd think I'd lose weight because of the pandemic. 

But thank you for shattering the glass dome that was my comfort zone. 

I've been in here for the longest year and I'm afraid I'd still be here the next year despite your earth shattering truth bomb.

I really don't have a plan in life. Nor goals for the year. Or the month. Or the week. 

I just live.

Despite this growing credit card debt that I can barely pay monthly, I just live. I pay when I have money, I just don't use the card anymore.

Despite this huge belly, I don't exercise even when I know I need it. I just live. I admit I am the laziest person.

Despite my sleepless nights because of my apnea, I still have not started using my CPAP machine again even if I know it will help me sleep soundly. If you only know how it is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world. I just sleep. Wake up. And live.

Despite my architect's license, I still am a poor broke ass bitch living off of her Mom. I just live.

Despite my self-control I still scream at the top of my lungs, and angrily at that, when speaking with Lola. And I lack respect. She does not deserve my rude behavior. I am always sorry. I just live. 

If I linger in these thoughts any more than 10 minutes of my day, it does it's job at breaking me, crippling me, devastating me until I cannot move from total anxiety and tears just burst forth. And next thing I know, I don't want to do things anymore. The motivation is gone. Despite all these thoughts that should be pushing me, they drag me down. 

And your words only deepen the hole I am in. So again, this year, I bury myself in this hole I made.