How's Kikay

 I know it's my fault. It just irritates me. Hearing her slippers shuffle along the marble floor, it triggers something in me, "Here we go again."  I just feel so fucking tired.  When it's night time and she's supposed to be sleeping, and suddenly here she is stumbling in the semi-darkness of the living room looking for no one in particular. And it's like a detonator, my annoyance is automatic and you can hear it in my voice when I asked her angrily, "NANAY, ANONG KAILANGAN MO?!" Of course she's looking for Mom, always looking for Mom.  The fuck. They sleep in the same room. Why the fuck she starts looking elsewhere when Mom is already there?! Ah, yes. Her brain. Alzheimer's Disease. She's 90 years old.  Why she got to get up in the middle of the night and annoy the fuck out of me?! I was almost pushing her with my whole body, "GABI NA PO, TUTULOG PA PO KAYO. ANG MOMMY PO NASA KWARTO NA KANINA PA, BWISET KA." The bad words just

 My sister threw a truth bomb at me. It was unexpected - and that way it's blast was larger and I felt it more. "Eh bakit? Dito ba nakakaipon ka?" I was dumbfounded, I didn't know what to reply. It was a reality check and I was silent after it. But the silence was so loud, the ringing in my ears started and every relative thought and memory came flooding in like a tsunami. I was going to cry. Yes, I don't have stable job. I'm currently unemployed and not earning at the moment. Yes, I do not make the best decisions in life. I eat my feelings away. I ate 2 big bag of chips, one after the other while drinking iced cola. I'm really not sorry that I ate both of them. Yes, I can't fit in the car seat with the current seat belt. I'm huge. Too huge. I'm 145 kg this year. Which is sad. You'd think I'd lose weight because of the pandemic.  But thank you for shattering the glass dome that was my comfort zone.  I've been in here for the longest

 I was just crying. For the nth time, I was yelling at Grandma. I do not know how to hold my temper anymore. As soon as I get an irk, it bursts forth like a bullet from a gun, and with it my mouth spurts out the words you would wince upon hearing. Only after I have yelled does it dawn on me what I had done. And that there was no getting back those moments. The anger was on and then it was not. And then realization sets in on how wrong I was to behave like that towards Grandma who has done nothing wrong save for being an Alzheimer's patient.  I was the one in the right mind, why didn't I become the bigger person? I should have taken care of her instead of maligning her. I should have taken care how I reacted. I should have reacted more gracefully than the bumbling, ingrate fool that I had become. I can't imagine how Grandma felt while I was yelling at her. She must have been so confused and lonely.  She won't know how sorry I am, though. Because I know in the coming days

 It's been two years now.  Grandma lives with us now 24/7 and so does her Alzheimer's Disease. It's not an easy task living with her. I say task, because it takes a lot of work and understanding. I have mixed feelings about it. I'm sad for her, sad for us and scared at the same time. And those feelings they show up as something else - I get angry most often.  Sometimes she remembers that uncle, her son, has passed away. But other times she's confused - she'd say he had died and then say that she's waiting for him to come home after work.  She makes a lot of conflicting statements and these most often irritate and annoy the hell out of me. And again, I get mad. I think my Mom gets scared of me when I get angry. I get scared of me.  I find myself irritated by the smallest of things - grandma related or not. I would shout because I need to release the anger. But the problem is the anger does not go away even if you shout it out. I only get angrier.  Then I cry

I know I've said some bad things about my Uncle. I know. How cliche. I want to make a tribute but I don't know him that well to make this one. My Uncle died just 5 days ago. It all happened so fast like a blur.  I'm not going into details but let me tell you a bit of backstory. Last month in the 3rd week of July, he was arrested and incarcerated. The arrest went down at their home - Grandma's house.  There was a scuffle, shouts were heard and we were too late witness -  they had him quickly. Immediately after that, Grandma was inconsolable. We were informed that she had a small part in the scuffle and was trying to get the police from arresting her son. All throughout the next day, she was crying and  was calling out to Uncle. Her tantrums were childlike. Owing to her forgetfulness, the tears were shed for the day and was forgotten the next. And to put it simply, she forgot the whole arrest ever happened. Now after that, she was asking for Uncle. Where is he? Why isn

I have not done anything remotely related to my profession for the last 4 months of quarantine. And I feel my skills slipping away. Maybe I should start practicing again - despite having no prompt or proposals. I never understood myself when I decided to go for architecture as a major in university.  I took the entrance exams, I put the two courses I was confident I would pass on: Architecture and Civil Engineering. Civil engineering because my Mom was one and if she could do it, why won't I? Architecture because I took up Design Technology in science high school. And they say the next thing after that is take up something like architecture. 2 of my best friends were going for it, why won't I? So I pass the entrance exams and was allowed on the Architecture program. The drawing parts were easy. I've done most of the drawing exercises in high school.  Rendering stuff or coloring was a bit on the hard part.  Cliche college student problems - flunking higher math, skipping cla

My grandma used to be a courageous woman.  She used to be someone you would be afraid to annoy, or disappoint, or argue with. She had quite a temper when  she had been given a grievance. She used to yell at the naughty neighborhood kids who would pluck fruits from her trees. She used to threaten us kids  when we misbehave, and she kept her word. She used to exude a haughty aura that might make anyone stop and listen when she speaks. She used to remember if someone borrowed money, and made sure she ask them for it every other day. She used to climb her trees,  hack away at her garden and do all the labor. She used to go to the roof, mend things if any and not ask anyone else, cause as per her words, she can do it by herself. She used to usher us home when we try to sleep over, during our teens, and tells us she doesn't need anyone. But this are all long past gone. As years went by, she became a brittle old woman in her eighties - penguin-walking to and fro, needing a hand here and t