How's Kikay

I have not done anything remotely related to my profession for the last 4 months of quarantine. And I feel my skills slipping away. Maybe I should start practicing again - despite having no prompt or proposals. I never understood myself when I decided to go for architecture as a major in university.  I took the entrance exams, I put the two courses I was confident I would pass on: Architecture and Civil Engineering. Civil engineering because my Mom was one and if she could do it, why won't I? Architecture because I took up Design Technology in science high school. And they say the next thing after that is take up something like architecture. 2 of my best friends were going for it, why won't I? So I pass the entrance exams and was allowed on the Architecture program. The drawing parts were easy. I've done most of the drawing exercises in high school.  Rendering stuff or coloring was a bit on the hard part.  Cliche college student problems - flunking higher math, skipping c...

My grandma used to be a courageous woman.  She used to be someone you would be afraid to annoy, or disappoint, or argue with. She had quite a temper when  she had been given a grievance. She used to yell at the naughty neighborhood kids who would pluck fruits from her trees. She used to threaten us kids  when we misbehave, and she kept her word. She used to exude a haughty aura that might make anyone stop and listen when she speaks. She used to remember if someone borrowed money, and made sure she ask them for it every other day. She used to climb her trees,  hack away at her garden and do all the labor. She used to go to the roof, mend things if any and not ask anyone else, cause as per her words, she can do it by herself. She used to usher us home when we try to sleep over, during our teens, and tells us she doesn't need anyone. But this are all long past gone. As years went by, she became a brittle old woman in her eighties - penguin-walking to and fro, needing a ...

It's been 110 days since I had work. It's been 110 days since I've had my regular income. We had subsidies but my bills were in need of greater amount. I've been keeping myself busy (entertained) by everything except anything that would generate income. A bit of transcription, here and there. But mostly slacking off, feeding off of the internet, eating meals, buying groceries - all paid by my mother, of course. My mother is an angel. I don't deserve her, really. And neither does she deserve me.  I'm useless crap now. I've been bullying myself for the last 3 months plus. Every time my head is blank, thoughts of dying always presents itself. So I slack off more, watch videos, immerse in sketching, listen to music... but then reality hits again,  a collector calls, cuts the feed, semi-threatening  to pay balances. Balances I can't afford right now,  because I'm employed with no pay. My last subsidy I've portioned to pay minimum. Of course that didn...